My Testimony
Have you ever been heartbroken? Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you when you didn’t expect it? Or your spouse cheated on you and/or asked for a divorce after years of marriage? Maybe you or someone close to you struggles with an alcohol or drug addiction? Maybe you’ve had to go through a tough illness like cancer? Perhaps someone close to you died? Or you lost a dear pet that was like a member of the family? Maybe you lost your job, did not make it to the graduate school you wanted, or had a troubled childhood with less than perfect parents? Whatever the case may be, we all go through our own struggles in this life. While sometimes you might feel completely alone during them, know that you are not. If you are reading this, perhaps it is for a reason. Whatever you may have gone through in the past or be going through right now, know that you are not alone and God truly does love you. I had to learn that the hard way. This is my story.
I have moved 7 times in my life, not counting college years (that would make it 11 times…). Most were when I was a child because we rented a room in a house with other families until we got an apartment, then later through my teen years when we moved to different houses. All of my extended family is too far away to visit, except sometimes during Christmas or the summer. I have one younger brother and parents that I love and love me, but none of us is perfect. And from a young age, I seemed to have a fear of being alone. I don’t remember ever being afraid of dying myself, but I do remember crying when I was little (maybe about 4) because I didn’t want my parents to die. Yeah, I thought about that stuff even at a young age. I believe I cried more than one night about it too. I remember my mom being frustrated, but comforting me when I went in her bedroom crying about it. I also remember just keeping it to myself and crying quietly in my room. I didn’t want my parents to die. What would I do without them?
Don’t worry, they weren’t terminally ill and are still alive. But I worried about things like that. Jump forward to when I was 7. I’d just started 2nd grade when my parents told me we were moving. I remember crying in my mom’s lap, even bringing her to tears at how upset I was. She tried to console me, but I kept thinking “what about my friends? What if I don’t make any new ones where we go?” I didn’t want to go. Later, I even made a list (yes, I’ve always loved lists) about things to do during recess if I didn’t make any friends. One was “read a book,” and another was “play on the playground.” I don’t remember what else was on it, but I wanted to be prepared. Well, I didn’t have too much to worry about. Leaving out all the wonderful details (that is another story), including one where I chased after some girls (in my mind like Hercules, don’t give up!) I met some of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life. The kind that will do crazy things with you like conga dance around the playground and write notes to each other in secret code. So glad I moved there.
Then, the world came crashing down again when we moved yet again. I think this time, since I’d had a good experience I was a little more hopeful. Being a kid, I was also a bit naïve. I thought, we’ll stay friends forever and I’ll make new ones. It’ll be fine. But distance does take its toll. At first we called each other, but of course our parents were paying so that was severely limited and soon died off. They also all came to visit me once that summer before I started school which was nice. Later we wrote letters to each other that also eventually tapered off. I think it really hit me once I started school. I was in middle school now, but at that time, 5th grade where I was from before was really innocent. I hadn’t heard a curse word until we moved and nobody in my old neighborhood did drugs or was in gangs. The first place I lived in sure, I remember I had even found a liquor bottle on my kindergarten playground once! That was part of the reason we’d moved to a nicer neighborhood just previously. Now it was to be closer to my dad’s work, but this new place was lonely. I hadn’t made any friends and nobody seemed to care. They were all already in groups that seemed to know each other, I didn’t fit in anywhere, and nobody invited me. I missed my friends and when the calls became less frequent, I knew we wouldn’t be able to keep it up. I started to cry myself to sleep every night and didn’t tell a soul.
And then? I met my best friend. Not right away. Again, skipping all the details of meeting so and so and then another friend before I met her, let’s just say I again met some pretty wonderful people and our favorite pastime was laughter. I think it’s safe to say we pretty much laughed daily about ridiculous things (spatula!), my kind of people. I had made a new group of friends and things were going great. Then, when I started high school, guess what? I moved again! This time though, it was to a different house in the same city. That made staying in contact easier, at least with my best friend! I tried with the others, but our group had broken up. They didn’t hang out together anymore and it was awkward so I gave up. I’ll always treasure those friendships and all my friendships past, but again, distance just complicates things. Well, regardless, those years I still hung out with my best friend every chance we got. Often she came over to my house or I went over to hers and we just watched movies and ate pizza and stuff. Sometimes we’d go to the movies or out for ice-cream or something. A couple of times we’d go shopping or to the park to play basketball. Once we even played against my dad! I don’t remember who won, the fun part was playing. When we weren’t together, we emailed and Instant-Messaged each other practically every day if not daily. We talked about little insignificant things, made each other laugh, and also had deep conversations about things we didn’t tell anyone besides each other. And in high school I again met some wonderful people in various classes; friendships I still treasure to this day even if I don’t always keep in contact with them all. Love you all!
Well, in college I met various groups of people and made different friends which were interesting. Some I pretty much just hung out with in one class and not outside of that, or roommates because we lived together and whatnot. I met up with 2 of my elementary school friends a couple of times which was super nice! STEPpers that kept in touch after, or after I graduated then a couple of people in my credential program. All perfectly nice, but none long-lasting. Here is where the issue lies. Things were going fine and freshman year I made friends with the people in my dorm during STEP (this month-long orientation program before college to help first generation college students or low-income students get introduced into college rather than just do the 3 day orientation; you apply and see if you are accepted and I was one of them). It was somewhere towards the end of the year maybe that I noticed my contact with my best friend was less frequent, but it still didn’t worry me. We were both busy with college.
Then, the summer after my freshman year, my first dog got sick all of a sudden and we had to put her to sleep because they told us there was no other option. She was in pain and not keeping anything down. It was sudden, like within 24 hours, and I was not prepared. She was only 7. While that affected me for a while, it was also the summer my best friend decided she needed some space and wanted to branch out and make more friends. I didn’t see how I would be holding her back when we barely saw each other anymore as it was, but she probably wanted to move onto other things and didn’t know how to tell me her interests had changed or didn’t have time to talk. People get busy and outgrow things and we’d been kids when we met, so it makes sense, but at the time she couldn’t give me a real answer and I was left heartbroken. She’s not cruel, she gave her condolences about my dog and came over too. She later tried to rekindle our friendship, but I’d been hurt and I didn’t trust her anymore and that probably took its toll too. When I was ready, she’d likely progressed even further on her path and didn’t share the same interests anymore. Of course, this is all my side and rationalization in retrospect, so what do I know? Then again, in the past my intuition has usually been right.
So that’s where I was when I started my sophomore year of college. I had befriended a girl freshman year and we’d signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment together and I had great hopes of being close. We would be like the characters on one of my favorite shows at the time, “Friends.” If my best friend wasn’t talking to me, then I would find a new one. Well, that didn’t work out. Word of advice. Before you sign a lease with someone, make sure you know what their definition of “light” and “heavy” sleeping are, what temperatures you can/can’t tolerate and how you feel about using the AC/Heater if cost matters at all, what you expect when you go shopping together in terms of groceries, how often you clean each part of the house, how they view fairness (who gets there first or trade off evenly etc), and what to do if there is ever a problem (i.e. talk, don’t be passive-aggressive or ignore something only to later explode). Needless to say, there was a period of 3 months where we did not talk to each other at all. No hi or goodbye; it was very tense. Then I approached her and we were courteous to each other the last few months, but neither of us wanted to live together anymore. Friendship down the toilet when it probably would’ve stayed intact if we’d never lived together in the first place!
Anyway, looking to replace my best friend with my roommate did not work. It only left me upset and crying every time she got mad or did something that ticked me off or whatever. We’d make up at first, but then something else would come up or the same things would happen again. I gave up on that idea somewhere in the midst of that. Later that year, I started messaging someone I felt a real friendship-connection with. I was like finally, someone dorky and sweet enough to hang out with! Let’s meet up and I don’t know, go play basketball or watch a movie or talk IN-PERSON because all we ever did was talk online. But for whatever reason, they never wanted to. I was heartbroken again. How could this person be super nice online (and I did know them from the last year, we just didn’t have the same classes so never saw each other anymore) but not have room in their life for one more friend? I almost pushed it once (after saying I wouldn’t ask again), but I got the feeling they just agreed to be nice and unlike my elementary-school Hercules self that went off chasing the girls she wanted to befriend (seriously, don’t give up!) I at this age was like if they don’t want to, they must have their reasons and if I’m not worth it then I won’t pursue it. I gave them an out and cancelled. Anyway, this whole time I don’t think I even told them about the issues I was having with my roommate. We just talked about random things like school or funny things we saw and wanted to share. Or about our dogs, families, etcetera. I do remember getting serious sometimes, so this was SOO much like the relationship I’d previously had with my best friend that it was uncanny. They also used the word “dude” just like me and my best friend had done all the time. I may has well have been talking to her, so it really hurt to know that this person didn’t think I was worth their time either. Was I that boring? Is that why nobody wanted to spend any time with me?
Generally, I hate being vulnerable or crying in front of people, let alone letting them know I’ve been crying. I’m generally pretty private with more personal things and used to only let my best friend (and a couple close friends along the way) in on stuff like that. And even then, usually only through email because I hate to be vulnerable in person. I didn’t mention this before, but back when I was in high school and still hanging out with my ex-best friend, there was a period where my dad was looking for a job because his company had closed and laid everyone off (Wonder Bread) and this one day my mom said we might be moving. I was upset and cried on and off the rest of that day only to go to school the next day with super puffy eyes. I didn’t even know that was possible! But when my friend asked me about it, I lied and said I hadn’t gotten much sleep and pretended to be tired. And this was one of my good, close friends! One I believe I trusted with my secret crush when nobody else at school knew about it (love you guys, but I think some of my friends would’ve blabbed and I couldn’t take that risk). I looked horrible, but I was not letting anyone in on it even if they suspected I was being less than truthful. Nobody pressed me about it. This was one of the times my mom said I was too attached to my best friend and still I denied it. She just didn’t want to see me get hurt, but live and learn right?
Anyway, not the best year. The hope I had had of true friendship had been extinguished, and yet I still hung on to the little I could get. It wasn’t enough, but I’d take online friendship over none. Well, the next year, my hope was renewed yet again when one of my good friends from high school signed a lease with me! I think she was supposed to go to my school and didn’t get in. Somehow though, she still would drive back and forth from her home and back. I thought she would live there 24/7, but it was more like visiting for a couple of days, gone a couple, back a couple, with sometimes maybe weeks in between. It was very strange, but I wasn’t complaining. When she was there, it was great! We had fun, talked, watched Psych episodes and whatnot. It was when she was gone that I would get lonely sometimes and cry. She never knew that. And if you happen to be reading this now, maybe you’re surprised. Like I said, I never like to let people in when I’m at my most vulnerable. I also have never been the type to neglect my schoolwork. Maybe some people get depressed and start failing, but I still worked on getting those A’s. In my free time maybe watched television. But neither is truly fulfilling when you feel you’re alone. When I wasn’t alone, then nobody would know any different because in that moment I would be around that person or group. That’s what that year was like, great with my friend, horrible without, all the while outwardly still going well with school and my family at least.
With my roommate friend commuting back and forth, and it seemed like she was away more often than actually in the apartment, I resorted to binge-watching television. Not the best habit, but it was entertaining and filled the time. School filled the other time with classes, reading, studying and homework. But things started getting worse than last year when I found myself not only crying when I was by myself in my apartment with nobody around, but when I found myself tearing up in public! The horror! Not like I just went grocery shopping and would start crying at the check-out stand, no. But when I was going to church and they were playing that soft music and everybody else looked so happy and I felt so alone. Or watching the people on campus or on the bus joke around and again, feeling lonely in a crowd. I didn’t actually cry here, I didn’t let myself.
The fact that this was even happening though was out of character and it was when I started looking up the self-help books and blogs. Being a psych major, I considered going to see a counselor on campus, but knew it wouldn’t help because I knew what the problem was. Not having close friends, and talking about it wouldn’t fix it. And if they told me that I was too attached or co-dependent (like the books and articles are fond of saying) it wouldn’t be anything new. Tell me something I don’t know, but how do I stop the feelings? If counseling has helped you, great. I know people that had positive experiences with it. I just didn’t think I would benefit as I didn’t need help seeing the issues and I didn’t want them to recommend medication to tone done my feelings. Anti-depressants are over-prescribed and I don’t think there’s any true evidence to say that depression is caused by a “chemical imbalance” or “serotonin deficiency.” There are tons of other factors involved. If you’re on them, that’s fine. I’ve met people on them and if they work for you, great. I never liked putting chemicals into my body when the issue could be resolved more naturally like with sleep, diet, and exercise… Pepto Bismol and the super-rare Tylenol are generally it for me. And anyway, looking back, I probably didn’t have the best diet or sleep well then (and sleep does affect mood!) and I definitely didn’t exercise (not that I do now!). But that’s a minor issue. I was trying to figure out how to fix what was wrong myself and grasping at straws.
Later came something I thought would never happen to me. Something that really scared me at the time, but again, I didn’t let anyone in on it. That summer, I started having thoughts of suicide. Not like I was actually going to go through with it (I wasn’t suicidal), but like thoughts of things that could cause my death in that way. Getting hit by a car after walking into traffic, slicing my wrists with the kitchen knife, hanging by a rope off the second floor banister, taking all the pills in the medicine cabinet, ingesting the poison we used to spray spiders or hornets… I wasn’t planning on doing these things. More like I would see a normal object like the stairs, a car, etcetera and my mind would come up with these scenarios and I was horrified. I tried talking to my mom without mentioning any of this; I knew it would scare her. I think she could sense I was sad though. She let me sleep in her bed for two nights after I’d stayed up talking to her and I hadn’t done that since I was like 5 and had had a nightmare or when we’d crowded into a bed together on vacation. I tried to distract myself. I read a book I thought was hilarious at the time, only to strangely find myself crying when I reached the end of it. It wasn’t even a sad ending! Not like say, Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men” where I was crying pages before the ending because I knew what was coming. I won’t spoil it for those that haven’t read it.
So anyway, coming close to the end of my rope… Not literally, I never felt I would actually do anything, but the thoughts scared me enough to think what if… I had to do something. Almost 2 years of suffering on this emotional roller coaster that kept getting worse and I wanted off. So what did I do? After multiple times of having rejected my dad’s invitations in the past to go to church with him to some event or other (always too busy or not interested), I asked him about one of the flyers (technically a little card) announcing a spiritual retreat. He was surprised. He hadn’t invited me and wasn’t even planning on going, but seeing my interest, we both went. I had never been to one, didn’t know what to expect, and thought it would be like going to church. I was wrong. I still remember when I saw someone from school at church freshman year and they asked me if I’d enjoyed it. I was confused. They looked so happy and joyful and I felt like the question was strange because I thought, did we experience the same thing? I said something like it was nice and they were like oh, well have a good day. And I kept thinking, am I missing something here? Isn’t church just to go and hear the Scripture and sermon (or homily if you’re Catholic) to inform and instruct us? Why is this guy so happy and asking me if I enjoyed it? Like I enjoyed television? I was looking at it as something I had to do rather than something I looked forward to and enjoyed. Yes, even during the serious messages that help discipline and correct us. But that experience stuck with me after and I wondered, is there more?
Okay, I’ll interrupt with a disclaimer here. I respect all beliefs and recognize that everyone grows up with different experiences. I am just sharing my own here. Do with it what you will, whether you toss it away, agree with any of it or not, or keep it in mind for a future where you might look into things deeper (don’t take too long!). I am just sharing this all in the hopes that it helps somebody. How can I have a great testimony and keep silent about it? My life was forever changed and I am sharing in the hopes that you too will one day allow God to find you. Sharing this totally goes against my generally reserved nature. Fear and anxiety would like to rear their heads here, but I’m doing it for you and God. This is all at the risk of ridicule and hate, but God is worth it. If you are an atheist or are already in a particular faith, I just suggest that you always do your own research and be careful who you put your trust in.
That being said, I will say that my whole life I was Catholic. Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation and eventually planned on being a Catechism teacher. It was in studying the Bible, Catechism, Catholic documents like the Vatican encyclicals and devotional books, apologetics and such, among other things I researched, that I came to the conclusion that the Protestants had it right and am now Christian. Not of any particular denomination, but a follower of Christ that tries to follow the Bible and early church and not man. Luckily, after a period of 4 months, I found a church. Under sad circumstances, but I started attending after a nice memorial service and have been going ever since. Always compare what your pastor is teaching to the Bible because in these times, some are just wolves in sheep’s clothing telling people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. Be careful is all I will say there. My whole family on both sides thinks I’ve “fallen away” from the true faith, but I’ve only grown stronger in it as I learn more each day and keep studying the Word. If you are a truth seeker, I wish you luck in finding it and will pray for you. If you are not, I pray you find it one day in spite of yourself just like I found it in spite of myself. That’s why God found me, when I was ready, and not a second before.
Back to the story. So there I was at this event. A charismatic retreat (which apparently is even controversial within the church, so bear with me if you feel inclined to reject what goes on there). There were speakers and there was music in between and it was nice enough. Again, I felt like maybe I might hear something significant I should use to make a change in my life, but I didn’t expect anything more. After the other speakers, the priest gave his testimony of how God lifted him up out of an alcoholic household and to the priesthood, when his family had been against it, and how his dad got sober and came to know the Lord. Other people gave testimonies of how God had impacted their lives. One family I remember had lost one of their children in a car accident. Crazy, unimaginable stuff. I don’t even remember everything that was said, but let’s just say that people can be more resilient than you might think when they have God on their side, even through their struggles. Anyway, that wasn’t what impacted me. I didn’t then go “wow, I’m going to pull myself up by my own bootstraps” and “stop being negative” or whatever. I admired them, but thought that’s them. I still felt God was far away from me and my life. Good for them, but He didn’t care about me and my insignificant problems. If He gave me anything, it was like when rich parents give their children money instead of spending time with them. I felt like sure maybe He gave me some things sometimes, but where WAS He? Far away and busy with more important matters like this family who had lost their child. That was serious. I didn’t even matter to God let alone to anyone besides my family.
Well, after the priest finished, they said they were going to take out the Eucharist and come pray for people. I did not know what this meant and had never seen anything like it. The closest I’ve seen is when people go to pray in the chapel during the special times they have the Eucharist, but nothing significant (outwardly) happens there (not when I went) and everybody is usually silent praying in their heads (unless somebody starts a group prayer out loud). Here, they had people hold it in the monstrance and walk around as the priest laid his hands on people and they started falling over. I hadn’t seen anything like this before, but I remembered my mom poking fun at my dad once when she said he fell and my dad had been embarrassed and responded that “everyone else was doing it” so he’d gone along with it and I, being a psych major, thought it was an example of the power of suggestion and maybe people that would take to hypnosis better. However, I was desperate. I saw all of these people fall back and then they moved on and they’d said they were going where the Holy Spirit led them, so I started to pray. Once they got closer to me (they passed over some people) I prayed that if what I was seeing was true, that if something more was going on, then please don’t let the priest pass me by and SHOW me. Please. I can’t take this pain anymore and I don’t know what to do, but if You are here and do care, please, show me.
When they got to me, the priest put his hands on my forehead and started speaking in tongues. I hadn’t ever experienced this before either (I had a related experience, but that’s another story). And despite growing up in the church, I did not read my Bible on my own and I did not know about the significance of the laying on of hands. I knew he was praying over me though and did remember a gift of the Spirit is to speak in tongues, so I knew that’s what was happening. Well, I didn’t expect anything more than for him to pray over me and move on, but then my knee started to buckle and I stumbled. I didn’t do that. Nobody pushed or pulled me. It bent by itself! I was scared; I didn’t want to fall back! What if nobody caught me and I hit my head or something? Though I’d seen there were people that stood behind people and caught the ones that fell, I didn’t trust them to catch me. I resisted and resolved to remain standing, but it’s like they could sense what I was thinking because the man next to the priest whispered in my ear in English “don’t be afraid,” and yet I was. However, my knees buckled again and before I knew it, I had fallen back. But not laying down like everybody else. I remained in a sitting position, but the whole time with my eyes closed and then my eyes no longer saw blackness, but this white brightness, and I felt this warmness and simultaneously felt love and repentance at the same time. I started sobbing. I had been a doubting Thomas, and yet here was God showing me his wounds and letting me stick a finger in them, so to speak. I felt guilty for not fully believing and grateful that He was showing me anyway. Realizing in that moment how small, unworthy, and sinful I was, and yet here was God showing me how much He loved me.
At the time, I didn’t even fully realize what had happened that day. I felt His love, and though I had not before, from that day on I loved Him back. That was what I knew. I had to know more about this God that loved me. I didn’t deserve Him revealing Himself to me, and yet He had. If that was a taste of what it would be like in heaven, just to be in his presence would be sufficient for eternal joy. But what the heck had happened? I looked up more of these spiritual retreats, Bible verses on the Holy Spirit and what the apostles did with its power (where I later found that the laying on of hands is an actual thing in the Bible). I found passages that stated that the “world does not know Him”, but that God would send the Holy Spirit to believers after Jesus departed to “not leave us orphans” and He would come “live in us.” I was taught that the Spirit comes after they baptize you as a baby and then the other sacraments give you grace. But those are other issues. I went to a couple other retreats, but never with the need to feel His love again (once was enough for a lifetime) but to pray for others to find him at those events like I had. I did not witness anything like what I had this first time though. Not everyone has the same spiritual gifts.
Anyway, like I said, I still didn’t fully know what happened at first. I thought the experience might be temporary and I would soon go back to feeling the same once the “supernatural high” wore off. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never did. It’s not like my circumstances changed. I was still living with my same commuting roommate in a mostly empty apartment. I was just happy either way now whether she was there or not. I didn’t feel alone anymore. I didn’t cry because of that anymore. I didn’t know how long it would last at first, but it’s been years now and nothing has changed! From that day forward, while everything was still the same outwardly, inwardly a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I only later came to think and say that God had actually HEALED me. He fixed my heart, filled the void, and I forgave those that had hurt me. It wasn’t me, it was all Him. In a matter of moments, God had healed what two years and time had only made worse.
All my life I had sought one thing, friendship. Someone to understand and know me and for me to share that and know them. My parents fulfilled that role early on and that’s why I was afraid of them dying when I was little. I didn’t care if I went, but didn’t want them to leave me behind all alone. Despite my wonderful, loving family (and great pets), that later wasn’t enough. As it turns out, even friendship in the world wasn’t enough because people can let you down when they can’t always be there for you. Nobody is perfect. God showed me His love and I wanted to know him better. I didn’t have that desire before, but when you have a friend you enjoy spending time with them and getting to know them. God had become my Father who loved me, not another distant figure that didn’t care about me. I started reading the Bible, studying it, and taking notes. Despite growing up a believer, I was surprised by a lot of things. Other than church on Sundays, I was very worldly. I still had sin in my life, but because of that, God allowed me to see some of what I was doing for what it was and helped me reject it. Some I no longer had any desire for, others I struggled with temptation but ultimately overcame. It’s a process. Nobody is perfect and I unfortunately, like Paul, still sin due to the desires of the flesh, but my heart is continually pulled by the Spirit in the other direction and with God’s grace I try and trust in Jesus.
At first, I had thought I was being smart when I found myself a BFF or “best friend for life.” I thought, look at all those people that start going out only to get their hearts broken after being dumped. That’ll never happen to me. Why? Because I’m going to have my friends forever, no matter the ups and downs of dating, and that’s what’s important. Boys and even a spouse could come and go, but friends were thicker than blood and there for you through life’s ups and downs. Boy, was I wrong! Me and the darn “Friends” theme song. If you found a true friend (and hopefully your spouse is one if you’re married), treasure them. I have met many wonderful people, but you can’t completely depend on people no matter how wonderful. We’re all human, have our own lives and things on our plates to deal with, and we ALL make mistakes. There’s only One who will never fail us if we follow Him. And then, to top it all off, they say time heals all wounds. So I waited, and waited, and after 2 years of this and it only getting worse, then I found that to be false. Even my elderly neighbor who still hasn’t forgiven X person could tell you that. David Meece the singer gave a short testimony on how he couldn’t forgive his alcoholic father for years, despite his newfound faith and years of gospel singing, until God helped him. I even experienced that after years of fighting with my dad and me holding all this resentment in me that would pop up out of my mouth even when I hadn’t intended it to. I don’t remember what it was, but I remember making a remark in front of a friend of mine once that afterward I just felt guilty over because it was mean and my dad didn’t respond. It was only after I prayed to God to help me forgive him that He helped me because I certainly hadn’t accomplished it myself.
So if I still had sin in my life, how exactly did my life change? Well, the most major change was firstly an inward change and is a bit hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it, but it’s this. I finally knew and felt I was loved. Not counting my parents because they made me and “had to” love me. It just wasn’t the same. I didn’t even realize I’d been looking for this my whole life, but that’s what I was looking for in friendship. This is why I was so close with my old best friend. We’d shared things with each other that we didn’t share with anyone else, including our families. Or at least I did. She had siblings she may or may not have told things to, but I couldn’t share those things with my younger brother who looked up to me and I helped care for. And all of my cousins lived too far away to be constantly in contact with either. Well now, no matter where I go or who I meet, my heart has been made full so that I can love without expecting them to love me in return. That doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes or that I don’t pray for patience sometimes, but that while I used to look for who I could “latch onto” so to speak, I don’t need that anymore. And yet, God has still put some more wonderful people into my life and I am thankful.
The second major change was outward. Again, this one is still an ongoing process, not yet fully achieved until we join the holy ones after death. I particularly know I still have a long way to go, but we all strive for holiness nonetheless. Anyway, because I felt God’s love, I finally loved Him back and wanted to know Him. I really wanted to let go of all the sin in my life, so I started to pray more and to read my Bible. That is how we get to know Him. Through His Word, He convicted me and slowly started stripping away things that were not holy but harmful to our souls. God’s number one commandment is for us to love Him above everything and then love our neighbor. If you love things of the world more, they’re like the idols of the ancient cultures that take the place of God in our hearts because our time, attention, and love is focused on them and not on Him. I had been seeking love through friendship, just as many seek love through romantic relationships. I thought I’d avoided the pitfalls of heartbreak only to find I hadn’t. I was putting friendship on earth before my relationship with God. I did believe and pray, but I had grown further from Him without realizing it.
I put many things before Him, and another comes to mind… Within that first year after my first dog had died, I remember the topic came up at my aunt’s house one day and she doesn’t believe animals go to heaven, only people. I had looked it up after my dog died and believed they did. I remember telling her though, that if my dog wasn’t in heaven then I didn’t want to go there. She had to be. God knew how much I loved her, so He couldn’t take her away from me only to never see her again. After my encounter though, God changed my heart. He not only healed all my past hurts and scars, but he made me love Him by loving me. It then didn’t matter anymore who or what made it into heaven as long as I could be with Him. He was all I needed. He did love me. I just never KNEW it. And the Bible says no mind knows what He has prepared for us, that one day He will make all things new, and that the lion shall lie down with the lamb… Heaven will be amazing merely because God is there, but He has joyfully promised us even more gifts we don’t deserve. We just have to wait and see.
So why do bad things happen to good people and why is there suffering? I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. I was never “good” by God’s definition, only He is good. This world is broken and sinful, but if we turn our hearts back to God, which is all He ever wanted of us, then while we still go through suffering in this life, it is not the same. Believers have a hope and a joy that only the Holy Spirit can give. We may fall, but God gives us the strength to continue. It is true that God is near to the brokenhearted and the contrite of spirit. He resists the proud, but lifts the humble. He gave us free will and He won’t act unless we let him. If you don’t know Him, ask Him. Truly seek and you will find Him. But be patient. God does things in His own time. If God had found me earlier in my life, I never would have gone through everything I did. His greatness is only magnified in our weaknesses. His power would not have been as impactful early on because it is only after having gone through those things that I truly know that it is not just something I did or that I brought about myself, but rather the power of God. I read from a bunch of self-help books and blogs, but it didn’t help. I was a psych major and it’s not “psychological” or a human change of heart, but truly God healing me and making me a new person.
This is what Christians refer to as being “born again.” We crucify sin with Christ, die to our fleshly desires (Paul said, “I die daily”), and are resurrected with Christ who conquered sin and death on the cross and reconciles us to the Father through His sacrifice. Every man sins and only an “unblemished, perfect lamb” who had done no wrong could pay the ultimate price for us to a holy, just, and righteous God who will not let anything unclean enter heaven. Jesus cleanses us when we confess our sins to God and truly repent. Grace is not an excuse for sinning, He knows our hearts. We cannot confess to know Him with our mouths, but yet have our hearts far from Him and focused on loving the things of this world more than Him and more than our neighbor. Faith and our salvation is a gift from God for anyone that believes and accepts it. Otherwise, it is like somebody offering to pay your bail but you rejecting it and choosing to stay in jail. Once we take up our cross and follow Jesus, then we are expected to bear good fruits as evidence of our repentance and faith. We are to visit orphans and widows, feed the hungry, preach the gospel, and do all things for the glory of God, not just live for ourselves. I have not been the best example, but it’s never too late to start. Who’s ready?
I have moved 7 times in my life, not counting college years (that would make it 11 times…). Most were when I was a child because we rented a room in a house with other families until we got an apartment, then later through my teen years when we moved to different houses. All of my extended family is too far away to visit, except sometimes during Christmas or the summer. I have one younger brother and parents that I love and love me, but none of us is perfect. And from a young age, I seemed to have a fear of being alone. I don’t remember ever being afraid of dying myself, but I do remember crying when I was little (maybe about 4) because I didn’t want my parents to die. Yeah, I thought about that stuff even at a young age. I believe I cried more than one night about it too. I remember my mom being frustrated, but comforting me when I went in her bedroom crying about it. I also remember just keeping it to myself and crying quietly in my room. I didn’t want my parents to die. What would I do without them?
Don’t worry, they weren’t terminally ill and are still alive. But I worried about things like that. Jump forward to when I was 7. I’d just started 2nd grade when my parents told me we were moving. I remember crying in my mom’s lap, even bringing her to tears at how upset I was. She tried to console me, but I kept thinking “what about my friends? What if I don’t make any new ones where we go?” I didn’t want to go. Later, I even made a list (yes, I’ve always loved lists) about things to do during recess if I didn’t make any friends. One was “read a book,” and another was “play on the playground.” I don’t remember what else was on it, but I wanted to be prepared. Well, I didn’t have too much to worry about. Leaving out all the wonderful details (that is another story), including one where I chased after some girls (in my mind like Hercules, don’t give up!) I met some of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life. The kind that will do crazy things with you like conga dance around the playground and write notes to each other in secret code. So glad I moved there.
Then, the world came crashing down again when we moved yet again. I think this time, since I’d had a good experience I was a little more hopeful. Being a kid, I was also a bit naïve. I thought, we’ll stay friends forever and I’ll make new ones. It’ll be fine. But distance does take its toll. At first we called each other, but of course our parents were paying so that was severely limited and soon died off. They also all came to visit me once that summer before I started school which was nice. Later we wrote letters to each other that also eventually tapered off. I think it really hit me once I started school. I was in middle school now, but at that time, 5th grade where I was from before was really innocent. I hadn’t heard a curse word until we moved and nobody in my old neighborhood did drugs or was in gangs. The first place I lived in sure, I remember I had even found a liquor bottle on my kindergarten playground once! That was part of the reason we’d moved to a nicer neighborhood just previously. Now it was to be closer to my dad’s work, but this new place was lonely. I hadn’t made any friends and nobody seemed to care. They were all already in groups that seemed to know each other, I didn’t fit in anywhere, and nobody invited me. I missed my friends and when the calls became less frequent, I knew we wouldn’t be able to keep it up. I started to cry myself to sleep every night and didn’t tell a soul.
And then? I met my best friend. Not right away. Again, skipping all the details of meeting so and so and then another friend before I met her, let’s just say I again met some pretty wonderful people and our favorite pastime was laughter. I think it’s safe to say we pretty much laughed daily about ridiculous things (spatula!), my kind of people. I had made a new group of friends and things were going great. Then, when I started high school, guess what? I moved again! This time though, it was to a different house in the same city. That made staying in contact easier, at least with my best friend! I tried with the others, but our group had broken up. They didn’t hang out together anymore and it was awkward so I gave up. I’ll always treasure those friendships and all my friendships past, but again, distance just complicates things. Well, regardless, those years I still hung out with my best friend every chance we got. Often she came over to my house or I went over to hers and we just watched movies and ate pizza and stuff. Sometimes we’d go to the movies or out for ice-cream or something. A couple of times we’d go shopping or to the park to play basketball. Once we even played against my dad! I don’t remember who won, the fun part was playing. When we weren’t together, we emailed and Instant-Messaged each other practically every day if not daily. We talked about little insignificant things, made each other laugh, and also had deep conversations about things we didn’t tell anyone besides each other. And in high school I again met some wonderful people in various classes; friendships I still treasure to this day even if I don’t always keep in contact with them all. Love you all!
Well, in college I met various groups of people and made different friends which were interesting. Some I pretty much just hung out with in one class and not outside of that, or roommates because we lived together and whatnot. I met up with 2 of my elementary school friends a couple of times which was super nice! STEPpers that kept in touch after, or after I graduated then a couple of people in my credential program. All perfectly nice, but none long-lasting. Here is where the issue lies. Things were going fine and freshman year I made friends with the people in my dorm during STEP (this month-long orientation program before college to help first generation college students or low-income students get introduced into college rather than just do the 3 day orientation; you apply and see if you are accepted and I was one of them). It was somewhere towards the end of the year maybe that I noticed my contact with my best friend was less frequent, but it still didn’t worry me. We were both busy with college.
Then, the summer after my freshman year, my first dog got sick all of a sudden and we had to put her to sleep because they told us there was no other option. She was in pain and not keeping anything down. It was sudden, like within 24 hours, and I was not prepared. She was only 7. While that affected me for a while, it was also the summer my best friend decided she needed some space and wanted to branch out and make more friends. I didn’t see how I would be holding her back when we barely saw each other anymore as it was, but she probably wanted to move onto other things and didn’t know how to tell me her interests had changed or didn’t have time to talk. People get busy and outgrow things and we’d been kids when we met, so it makes sense, but at the time she couldn’t give me a real answer and I was left heartbroken. She’s not cruel, she gave her condolences about my dog and came over too. She later tried to rekindle our friendship, but I’d been hurt and I didn’t trust her anymore and that probably took its toll too. When I was ready, she’d likely progressed even further on her path and didn’t share the same interests anymore. Of course, this is all my side and rationalization in retrospect, so what do I know? Then again, in the past my intuition has usually been right.
So that’s where I was when I started my sophomore year of college. I had befriended a girl freshman year and we’d signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment together and I had great hopes of being close. We would be like the characters on one of my favorite shows at the time, “Friends.” If my best friend wasn’t talking to me, then I would find a new one. Well, that didn’t work out. Word of advice. Before you sign a lease with someone, make sure you know what their definition of “light” and “heavy” sleeping are, what temperatures you can/can’t tolerate and how you feel about using the AC/Heater if cost matters at all, what you expect when you go shopping together in terms of groceries, how often you clean each part of the house, how they view fairness (who gets there first or trade off evenly etc), and what to do if there is ever a problem (i.e. talk, don’t be passive-aggressive or ignore something only to later explode). Needless to say, there was a period of 3 months where we did not talk to each other at all. No hi or goodbye; it was very tense. Then I approached her and we were courteous to each other the last few months, but neither of us wanted to live together anymore. Friendship down the toilet when it probably would’ve stayed intact if we’d never lived together in the first place!
Anyway, looking to replace my best friend with my roommate did not work. It only left me upset and crying every time she got mad or did something that ticked me off or whatever. We’d make up at first, but then something else would come up or the same things would happen again. I gave up on that idea somewhere in the midst of that. Later that year, I started messaging someone I felt a real friendship-connection with. I was like finally, someone dorky and sweet enough to hang out with! Let’s meet up and I don’t know, go play basketball or watch a movie or talk IN-PERSON because all we ever did was talk online. But for whatever reason, they never wanted to. I was heartbroken again. How could this person be super nice online (and I did know them from the last year, we just didn’t have the same classes so never saw each other anymore) but not have room in their life for one more friend? I almost pushed it once (after saying I wouldn’t ask again), but I got the feeling they just agreed to be nice and unlike my elementary-school Hercules self that went off chasing the girls she wanted to befriend (seriously, don’t give up!) I at this age was like if they don’t want to, they must have their reasons and if I’m not worth it then I won’t pursue it. I gave them an out and cancelled. Anyway, this whole time I don’t think I even told them about the issues I was having with my roommate. We just talked about random things like school or funny things we saw and wanted to share. Or about our dogs, families, etcetera. I do remember getting serious sometimes, so this was SOO much like the relationship I’d previously had with my best friend that it was uncanny. They also used the word “dude” just like me and my best friend had done all the time. I may has well have been talking to her, so it really hurt to know that this person didn’t think I was worth their time either. Was I that boring? Is that why nobody wanted to spend any time with me?
Generally, I hate being vulnerable or crying in front of people, let alone letting them know I’ve been crying. I’m generally pretty private with more personal things and used to only let my best friend (and a couple close friends along the way) in on stuff like that. And even then, usually only through email because I hate to be vulnerable in person. I didn’t mention this before, but back when I was in high school and still hanging out with my ex-best friend, there was a period where my dad was looking for a job because his company had closed and laid everyone off (Wonder Bread) and this one day my mom said we might be moving. I was upset and cried on and off the rest of that day only to go to school the next day with super puffy eyes. I didn’t even know that was possible! But when my friend asked me about it, I lied and said I hadn’t gotten much sleep and pretended to be tired. And this was one of my good, close friends! One I believe I trusted with my secret crush when nobody else at school knew about it (love you guys, but I think some of my friends would’ve blabbed and I couldn’t take that risk). I looked horrible, but I was not letting anyone in on it even if they suspected I was being less than truthful. Nobody pressed me about it. This was one of the times my mom said I was too attached to my best friend and still I denied it. She just didn’t want to see me get hurt, but live and learn right?
Anyway, not the best year. The hope I had had of true friendship had been extinguished, and yet I still hung on to the little I could get. It wasn’t enough, but I’d take online friendship over none. Well, the next year, my hope was renewed yet again when one of my good friends from high school signed a lease with me! I think she was supposed to go to my school and didn’t get in. Somehow though, she still would drive back and forth from her home and back. I thought she would live there 24/7, but it was more like visiting for a couple of days, gone a couple, back a couple, with sometimes maybe weeks in between. It was very strange, but I wasn’t complaining. When she was there, it was great! We had fun, talked, watched Psych episodes and whatnot. It was when she was gone that I would get lonely sometimes and cry. She never knew that. And if you happen to be reading this now, maybe you’re surprised. Like I said, I never like to let people in when I’m at my most vulnerable. I also have never been the type to neglect my schoolwork. Maybe some people get depressed and start failing, but I still worked on getting those A’s. In my free time maybe watched television. But neither is truly fulfilling when you feel you’re alone. When I wasn’t alone, then nobody would know any different because in that moment I would be around that person or group. That’s what that year was like, great with my friend, horrible without, all the while outwardly still going well with school and my family at least.
With my roommate friend commuting back and forth, and it seemed like she was away more often than actually in the apartment, I resorted to binge-watching television. Not the best habit, but it was entertaining and filled the time. School filled the other time with classes, reading, studying and homework. But things started getting worse than last year when I found myself not only crying when I was by myself in my apartment with nobody around, but when I found myself tearing up in public! The horror! Not like I just went grocery shopping and would start crying at the check-out stand, no. But when I was going to church and they were playing that soft music and everybody else looked so happy and I felt so alone. Or watching the people on campus or on the bus joke around and again, feeling lonely in a crowd. I didn’t actually cry here, I didn’t let myself.
The fact that this was even happening though was out of character and it was when I started looking up the self-help books and blogs. Being a psych major, I considered going to see a counselor on campus, but knew it wouldn’t help because I knew what the problem was. Not having close friends, and talking about it wouldn’t fix it. And if they told me that I was too attached or co-dependent (like the books and articles are fond of saying) it wouldn’t be anything new. Tell me something I don’t know, but how do I stop the feelings? If counseling has helped you, great. I know people that had positive experiences with it. I just didn’t think I would benefit as I didn’t need help seeing the issues and I didn’t want them to recommend medication to tone done my feelings. Anti-depressants are over-prescribed and I don’t think there’s any true evidence to say that depression is caused by a “chemical imbalance” or “serotonin deficiency.” There are tons of other factors involved. If you’re on them, that’s fine. I’ve met people on them and if they work for you, great. I never liked putting chemicals into my body when the issue could be resolved more naturally like with sleep, diet, and exercise… Pepto Bismol and the super-rare Tylenol are generally it for me. And anyway, looking back, I probably didn’t have the best diet or sleep well then (and sleep does affect mood!) and I definitely didn’t exercise (not that I do now!). But that’s a minor issue. I was trying to figure out how to fix what was wrong myself and grasping at straws.
Later came something I thought would never happen to me. Something that really scared me at the time, but again, I didn’t let anyone in on it. That summer, I started having thoughts of suicide. Not like I was actually going to go through with it (I wasn’t suicidal), but like thoughts of things that could cause my death in that way. Getting hit by a car after walking into traffic, slicing my wrists with the kitchen knife, hanging by a rope off the second floor banister, taking all the pills in the medicine cabinet, ingesting the poison we used to spray spiders or hornets… I wasn’t planning on doing these things. More like I would see a normal object like the stairs, a car, etcetera and my mind would come up with these scenarios and I was horrified. I tried talking to my mom without mentioning any of this; I knew it would scare her. I think she could sense I was sad though. She let me sleep in her bed for two nights after I’d stayed up talking to her and I hadn’t done that since I was like 5 and had had a nightmare or when we’d crowded into a bed together on vacation. I tried to distract myself. I read a book I thought was hilarious at the time, only to strangely find myself crying when I reached the end of it. It wasn’t even a sad ending! Not like say, Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men” where I was crying pages before the ending because I knew what was coming. I won’t spoil it for those that haven’t read it.
So anyway, coming close to the end of my rope… Not literally, I never felt I would actually do anything, but the thoughts scared me enough to think what if… I had to do something. Almost 2 years of suffering on this emotional roller coaster that kept getting worse and I wanted off. So what did I do? After multiple times of having rejected my dad’s invitations in the past to go to church with him to some event or other (always too busy or not interested), I asked him about one of the flyers (technically a little card) announcing a spiritual retreat. He was surprised. He hadn’t invited me and wasn’t even planning on going, but seeing my interest, we both went. I had never been to one, didn’t know what to expect, and thought it would be like going to church. I was wrong. I still remember when I saw someone from school at church freshman year and they asked me if I’d enjoyed it. I was confused. They looked so happy and joyful and I felt like the question was strange because I thought, did we experience the same thing? I said something like it was nice and they were like oh, well have a good day. And I kept thinking, am I missing something here? Isn’t church just to go and hear the Scripture and sermon (or homily if you’re Catholic) to inform and instruct us? Why is this guy so happy and asking me if I enjoyed it? Like I enjoyed television? I was looking at it as something I had to do rather than something I looked forward to and enjoyed. Yes, even during the serious messages that help discipline and correct us. But that experience stuck with me after and I wondered, is there more?
Okay, I’ll interrupt with a disclaimer here. I respect all beliefs and recognize that everyone grows up with different experiences. I am just sharing my own here. Do with it what you will, whether you toss it away, agree with any of it or not, or keep it in mind for a future where you might look into things deeper (don’t take too long!). I am just sharing this all in the hopes that it helps somebody. How can I have a great testimony and keep silent about it? My life was forever changed and I am sharing in the hopes that you too will one day allow God to find you. Sharing this totally goes against my generally reserved nature. Fear and anxiety would like to rear their heads here, but I’m doing it for you and God. This is all at the risk of ridicule and hate, but God is worth it. If you are an atheist or are already in a particular faith, I just suggest that you always do your own research and be careful who you put your trust in.
That being said, I will say that my whole life I was Catholic. Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation and eventually planned on being a Catechism teacher. It was in studying the Bible, Catechism, Catholic documents like the Vatican encyclicals and devotional books, apologetics and such, among other things I researched, that I came to the conclusion that the Protestants had it right and am now Christian. Not of any particular denomination, but a follower of Christ that tries to follow the Bible and early church and not man. Luckily, after a period of 4 months, I found a church. Under sad circumstances, but I started attending after a nice memorial service and have been going ever since. Always compare what your pastor is teaching to the Bible because in these times, some are just wolves in sheep’s clothing telling people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. Be careful is all I will say there. My whole family on both sides thinks I’ve “fallen away” from the true faith, but I’ve only grown stronger in it as I learn more each day and keep studying the Word. If you are a truth seeker, I wish you luck in finding it and will pray for you. If you are not, I pray you find it one day in spite of yourself just like I found it in spite of myself. That’s why God found me, when I was ready, and not a second before.
Back to the story. So there I was at this event. A charismatic retreat (which apparently is even controversial within the church, so bear with me if you feel inclined to reject what goes on there). There were speakers and there was music in between and it was nice enough. Again, I felt like maybe I might hear something significant I should use to make a change in my life, but I didn’t expect anything more. After the other speakers, the priest gave his testimony of how God lifted him up out of an alcoholic household and to the priesthood, when his family had been against it, and how his dad got sober and came to know the Lord. Other people gave testimonies of how God had impacted their lives. One family I remember had lost one of their children in a car accident. Crazy, unimaginable stuff. I don’t even remember everything that was said, but let’s just say that people can be more resilient than you might think when they have God on their side, even through their struggles. Anyway, that wasn’t what impacted me. I didn’t then go “wow, I’m going to pull myself up by my own bootstraps” and “stop being negative” or whatever. I admired them, but thought that’s them. I still felt God was far away from me and my life. Good for them, but He didn’t care about me and my insignificant problems. If He gave me anything, it was like when rich parents give their children money instead of spending time with them. I felt like sure maybe He gave me some things sometimes, but where WAS He? Far away and busy with more important matters like this family who had lost their child. That was serious. I didn’t even matter to God let alone to anyone besides my family.
Well, after the priest finished, they said they were going to take out the Eucharist and come pray for people. I did not know what this meant and had never seen anything like it. The closest I’ve seen is when people go to pray in the chapel during the special times they have the Eucharist, but nothing significant (outwardly) happens there (not when I went) and everybody is usually silent praying in their heads (unless somebody starts a group prayer out loud). Here, they had people hold it in the monstrance and walk around as the priest laid his hands on people and they started falling over. I hadn’t seen anything like this before, but I remembered my mom poking fun at my dad once when she said he fell and my dad had been embarrassed and responded that “everyone else was doing it” so he’d gone along with it and I, being a psych major, thought it was an example of the power of suggestion and maybe people that would take to hypnosis better. However, I was desperate. I saw all of these people fall back and then they moved on and they’d said they were going where the Holy Spirit led them, so I started to pray. Once they got closer to me (they passed over some people) I prayed that if what I was seeing was true, that if something more was going on, then please don’t let the priest pass me by and SHOW me. Please. I can’t take this pain anymore and I don’t know what to do, but if You are here and do care, please, show me.
When they got to me, the priest put his hands on my forehead and started speaking in tongues. I hadn’t ever experienced this before either (I had a related experience, but that’s another story). And despite growing up in the church, I did not read my Bible on my own and I did not know about the significance of the laying on of hands. I knew he was praying over me though and did remember a gift of the Spirit is to speak in tongues, so I knew that’s what was happening. Well, I didn’t expect anything more than for him to pray over me and move on, but then my knee started to buckle and I stumbled. I didn’t do that. Nobody pushed or pulled me. It bent by itself! I was scared; I didn’t want to fall back! What if nobody caught me and I hit my head or something? Though I’d seen there were people that stood behind people and caught the ones that fell, I didn’t trust them to catch me. I resisted and resolved to remain standing, but it’s like they could sense what I was thinking because the man next to the priest whispered in my ear in English “don’t be afraid,” and yet I was. However, my knees buckled again and before I knew it, I had fallen back. But not laying down like everybody else. I remained in a sitting position, but the whole time with my eyes closed and then my eyes no longer saw blackness, but this white brightness, and I felt this warmness and simultaneously felt love and repentance at the same time. I started sobbing. I had been a doubting Thomas, and yet here was God showing me his wounds and letting me stick a finger in them, so to speak. I felt guilty for not fully believing and grateful that He was showing me anyway. Realizing in that moment how small, unworthy, and sinful I was, and yet here was God showing me how much He loved me.
At the time, I didn’t even fully realize what had happened that day. I felt His love, and though I had not before, from that day on I loved Him back. That was what I knew. I had to know more about this God that loved me. I didn’t deserve Him revealing Himself to me, and yet He had. If that was a taste of what it would be like in heaven, just to be in his presence would be sufficient for eternal joy. But what the heck had happened? I looked up more of these spiritual retreats, Bible verses on the Holy Spirit and what the apostles did with its power (where I later found that the laying on of hands is an actual thing in the Bible). I found passages that stated that the “world does not know Him”, but that God would send the Holy Spirit to believers after Jesus departed to “not leave us orphans” and He would come “live in us.” I was taught that the Spirit comes after they baptize you as a baby and then the other sacraments give you grace. But those are other issues. I went to a couple other retreats, but never with the need to feel His love again (once was enough for a lifetime) but to pray for others to find him at those events like I had. I did not witness anything like what I had this first time though. Not everyone has the same spiritual gifts.
Anyway, like I said, I still didn’t fully know what happened at first. I thought the experience might be temporary and I would soon go back to feeling the same once the “supernatural high” wore off. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never did. It’s not like my circumstances changed. I was still living with my same commuting roommate in a mostly empty apartment. I was just happy either way now whether she was there or not. I didn’t feel alone anymore. I didn’t cry because of that anymore. I didn’t know how long it would last at first, but it’s been years now and nothing has changed! From that day forward, while everything was still the same outwardly, inwardly a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I only later came to think and say that God had actually HEALED me. He fixed my heart, filled the void, and I forgave those that had hurt me. It wasn’t me, it was all Him. In a matter of moments, God had healed what two years and time had only made worse.
All my life I had sought one thing, friendship. Someone to understand and know me and for me to share that and know them. My parents fulfilled that role early on and that’s why I was afraid of them dying when I was little. I didn’t care if I went, but didn’t want them to leave me behind all alone. Despite my wonderful, loving family (and great pets), that later wasn’t enough. As it turns out, even friendship in the world wasn’t enough because people can let you down when they can’t always be there for you. Nobody is perfect. God showed me His love and I wanted to know him better. I didn’t have that desire before, but when you have a friend you enjoy spending time with them and getting to know them. God had become my Father who loved me, not another distant figure that didn’t care about me. I started reading the Bible, studying it, and taking notes. Despite growing up a believer, I was surprised by a lot of things. Other than church on Sundays, I was very worldly. I still had sin in my life, but because of that, God allowed me to see some of what I was doing for what it was and helped me reject it. Some I no longer had any desire for, others I struggled with temptation but ultimately overcame. It’s a process. Nobody is perfect and I unfortunately, like Paul, still sin due to the desires of the flesh, but my heart is continually pulled by the Spirit in the other direction and with God’s grace I try and trust in Jesus.
At first, I had thought I was being smart when I found myself a BFF or “best friend for life.” I thought, look at all those people that start going out only to get their hearts broken after being dumped. That’ll never happen to me. Why? Because I’m going to have my friends forever, no matter the ups and downs of dating, and that’s what’s important. Boys and even a spouse could come and go, but friends were thicker than blood and there for you through life’s ups and downs. Boy, was I wrong! Me and the darn “Friends” theme song. If you found a true friend (and hopefully your spouse is one if you’re married), treasure them. I have met many wonderful people, but you can’t completely depend on people no matter how wonderful. We’re all human, have our own lives and things on our plates to deal with, and we ALL make mistakes. There’s only One who will never fail us if we follow Him. And then, to top it all off, they say time heals all wounds. So I waited, and waited, and after 2 years of this and it only getting worse, then I found that to be false. Even my elderly neighbor who still hasn’t forgiven X person could tell you that. David Meece the singer gave a short testimony on how he couldn’t forgive his alcoholic father for years, despite his newfound faith and years of gospel singing, until God helped him. I even experienced that after years of fighting with my dad and me holding all this resentment in me that would pop up out of my mouth even when I hadn’t intended it to. I don’t remember what it was, but I remember making a remark in front of a friend of mine once that afterward I just felt guilty over because it was mean and my dad didn’t respond. It was only after I prayed to God to help me forgive him that He helped me because I certainly hadn’t accomplished it myself.
So if I still had sin in my life, how exactly did my life change? Well, the most major change was firstly an inward change and is a bit hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it, but it’s this. I finally knew and felt I was loved. Not counting my parents because they made me and “had to” love me. It just wasn’t the same. I didn’t even realize I’d been looking for this my whole life, but that’s what I was looking for in friendship. This is why I was so close with my old best friend. We’d shared things with each other that we didn’t share with anyone else, including our families. Or at least I did. She had siblings she may or may not have told things to, but I couldn’t share those things with my younger brother who looked up to me and I helped care for. And all of my cousins lived too far away to be constantly in contact with either. Well now, no matter where I go or who I meet, my heart has been made full so that I can love without expecting them to love me in return. That doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes or that I don’t pray for patience sometimes, but that while I used to look for who I could “latch onto” so to speak, I don’t need that anymore. And yet, God has still put some more wonderful people into my life and I am thankful.
The second major change was outward. Again, this one is still an ongoing process, not yet fully achieved until we join the holy ones after death. I particularly know I still have a long way to go, but we all strive for holiness nonetheless. Anyway, because I felt God’s love, I finally loved Him back and wanted to know Him. I really wanted to let go of all the sin in my life, so I started to pray more and to read my Bible. That is how we get to know Him. Through His Word, He convicted me and slowly started stripping away things that were not holy but harmful to our souls. God’s number one commandment is for us to love Him above everything and then love our neighbor. If you love things of the world more, they’re like the idols of the ancient cultures that take the place of God in our hearts because our time, attention, and love is focused on them and not on Him. I had been seeking love through friendship, just as many seek love through romantic relationships. I thought I’d avoided the pitfalls of heartbreak only to find I hadn’t. I was putting friendship on earth before my relationship with God. I did believe and pray, but I had grown further from Him without realizing it.
I put many things before Him, and another comes to mind… Within that first year after my first dog had died, I remember the topic came up at my aunt’s house one day and she doesn’t believe animals go to heaven, only people. I had looked it up after my dog died and believed they did. I remember telling her though, that if my dog wasn’t in heaven then I didn’t want to go there. She had to be. God knew how much I loved her, so He couldn’t take her away from me only to never see her again. After my encounter though, God changed my heart. He not only healed all my past hurts and scars, but he made me love Him by loving me. It then didn’t matter anymore who or what made it into heaven as long as I could be with Him. He was all I needed. He did love me. I just never KNEW it. And the Bible says no mind knows what He has prepared for us, that one day He will make all things new, and that the lion shall lie down with the lamb… Heaven will be amazing merely because God is there, but He has joyfully promised us even more gifts we don’t deserve. We just have to wait and see.
So why do bad things happen to good people and why is there suffering? I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. I was never “good” by God’s definition, only He is good. This world is broken and sinful, but if we turn our hearts back to God, which is all He ever wanted of us, then while we still go through suffering in this life, it is not the same. Believers have a hope and a joy that only the Holy Spirit can give. We may fall, but God gives us the strength to continue. It is true that God is near to the brokenhearted and the contrite of spirit. He resists the proud, but lifts the humble. He gave us free will and He won’t act unless we let him. If you don’t know Him, ask Him. Truly seek and you will find Him. But be patient. God does things in His own time. If God had found me earlier in my life, I never would have gone through everything I did. His greatness is only magnified in our weaknesses. His power would not have been as impactful early on because it is only after having gone through those things that I truly know that it is not just something I did or that I brought about myself, but rather the power of God. I read from a bunch of self-help books and blogs, but it didn’t help. I was a psych major and it’s not “psychological” or a human change of heart, but truly God healing me and making me a new person.
This is what Christians refer to as being “born again.” We crucify sin with Christ, die to our fleshly desires (Paul said, “I die daily”), and are resurrected with Christ who conquered sin and death on the cross and reconciles us to the Father through His sacrifice. Every man sins and only an “unblemished, perfect lamb” who had done no wrong could pay the ultimate price for us to a holy, just, and righteous God who will not let anything unclean enter heaven. Jesus cleanses us when we confess our sins to God and truly repent. Grace is not an excuse for sinning, He knows our hearts. We cannot confess to know Him with our mouths, but yet have our hearts far from Him and focused on loving the things of this world more than Him and more than our neighbor. Faith and our salvation is a gift from God for anyone that believes and accepts it. Otherwise, it is like somebody offering to pay your bail but you rejecting it and choosing to stay in jail. Once we take up our cross and follow Jesus, then we are expected to bear good fruits as evidence of our repentance and faith. We are to visit orphans and widows, feed the hungry, preach the gospel, and do all things for the glory of God, not just live for ourselves. I have not been the best example, but it’s never too late to start. Who’s ready?